<<--(3:41 a.m.2019-05-02(/)//-->>

Its odd reading my last entry now that I no longer work at the Co-op. It was a good run but I wasn't able to really fit in. I've been unemployed since the beginning of November. I enrolled in a Masters of Archiving and Records Administration in January. Its entirely online and interesting. Its been a while since I've been a student. The hardest part is all of the writing. Writing in a practical way was never my strong suit and I haven't really had to do that for quite some time. I would write policies at the Co-op but those are very different than writing a paper or an online discussion post. I am kind of scared that I am going to get kicked out for my mediocre work. The grade scale is skewed very high. 80% is a C. I have a D in one class at 71%. The other problem is that I wait until the last minute to do my work. I have all week to do the assignments and I just goof off or work on music until the weekend comes and then I am sweating bullets to get it all done. I wonder what I am getting out of it by doing this? Probably some ego thing that I can do the work at the last minute and still get a semi-passing grade. Whatever it is, it is rude to the professors and to myself. Sometimes changing my ways it easier said than done.

I wish the music side of my life would become my living. I am not sure what I will do if I am unable to complete my degree. Being 40 and still trying for a slim chance is kind of weird. I am not sure when I will give it up? I am not sure if I will be able to give it up. I have invested so much time, energy and money into making music it just does not seem possible to not make music. I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't make music? I wonder what will happen to cause this? Some kind of shift in my core where I come to understand that what I am making is not interesting or that I keep repeating myself or that I have fully realized all I can say with music and the only one I am making music for is myself.

The last one is what happened with painting. I like painting and I want to paint but whenever I go to paint nothing happens. I do express myself with collage and drawing with color pencils. Some of it could become a painting but it doesn't make sense to me to do it like that. It seems like once I figured out who I was as a painter, the mystery was solved and there was no reason to do it anymore. Its like the whole point was to figure myself out through it.